Sometimes the night is like a safety zone. The darkness insulates my thoughts. I feel at home among the shadows and solitude. No forced smiles, no need to diguise my sorrow, my pain, my regret. I can embrace it and let it consume if I wish to. Sometimes it's therapeutic when I allow myself to feel life's agony. It's good to be able to feel...even if it's pain.

Lately I've been feeling numb. Sometimes I wonder if I am even here. I strain for my focus throughout the day. I want to think of something else besides her. It's like my head is in a daze at times. I don't think I'm going crazy, I am beginning to make sense of my life. I'm beginning to set goals for myself. It's just my days are no good sometimes. I find myself wanting the night to come. Even if I can't sleep, I don't have people checking up on me, calling me. Hearing the concern in their voice because my smile has been lost for some time.

Maybe this isn't the time for smiling. It's time for me put the weight of all my ambitions, dreams, and desires on my shoulders. It's time for me to grit my teeth and bear the load. I know there is more for me out there. God didn't bring me this far to drop me off here.

So...I've been through a whirlwind of things in my life. I've just rediscovered my blog and I decided to share. Maybe somewhere, someday, someone will happen across it and be inspired or at minimum slightly entertained.

I got married a few years ago...and unfortunately divorced a couple of months ago. I'm still dealing with the some of the emotional pain of separation. My ex is originally from the Cayman Islands and she moved to Georgia a week before we got married. She didn't know anyone here and we sort of clung to each other. We didn't go out socially very often because as I said she didn't know anyone and all of my closest friends lived out of town.

When she got a social life and made friends she began going out with them to dinner and soon to clubs. At first I was very happy seeing her make friends, but then it got to be almost everyday she was going out doing something with these friends. We lost our quality and even during our qualities times it seems like she was just planning another outing with them.It seems as if things slowly went downhill. Eventually she met someone and she cheated.

It's about 5 1/2 months since I first found out for sure she was being unfaithful. It's been about about 1 1/2 months since the divorce. I was willing to work things out, but she wasn't willing to try in any meaningful way. She didn't want counseling, she didn't even call her family and friends and tell them that we had even split. Her mother had to find out from me. I guess maybe she was waiting for the right time or something, but you'd think after being seperated for 3 months her mother would know.

I've always thought of myself as being a mind addict. I've always been very interested in wanting to know what people think and how they operate. I've found it to be fascinating in the past. These days I am just looking inward trying to make sense of the past few months. I'm afraid to reach out and get to know anyone new. I don't trust my instincts anymore. I don't know if I'd be able to tell if someone is positive for me or not. I know this just comes with the territory of divorce, but it's a horrible feeling. I know I'm not perfect, I just wouldn't think after all she and I had been through our story would end this way...but it is what is. This had to happen to someone...why not me right?

What I learned through all of this is to not take it life and the love of someone for granted. To always be creative in finding ways to show your appreciation towards someone. Do not get married unless you are absolutely sure the person is the one and that you are finished with all things involving relationships if possible.

Despite the emotional turmoil I'm dealing with, I feel within myself I did right by her. She gained a lot from being with me and that's what being a good man is supposed to for a woman. She threw it all away, it hurts...but I will be alright. I know my value. She'll never find another me.

-Mr. Tolbert