Sometimes the night is like a safety zone. The darkness insulates my thoughts. I feel at home among the shadows and solitude. No forced smiles, no need to diguise my sorrow, my pain, my regret. I can embrace it and let it consume if I wish to. Sometimes it's therapeutic when I allow myself to feel life's agony. It's good to be able to feel...even if it's pain.

Lately I've been feeling numb. Sometimes I wonder if I am even here. I strain for my focus throughout the day. I want to think of something else besides her. It's like my head is in a daze at times. I don't think I'm going crazy, I am beginning to make sense of my life. I'm beginning to set goals for myself. It's just my days are no good sometimes. I find myself wanting the night to come. Even if I can't sleep, I don't have people checking up on me, calling me. Hearing the concern in their voice because my smile has been lost for some time.

Maybe this isn't the time for smiling. It's time for me put the weight of all my ambitions, dreams, and desires on my shoulders. It's time for me to grit my teeth and bear the load. I know there is more for me out there. God didn't bring me this far to drop me off here.

So...I've been through a whirlwind of things in my life. I've just rediscovered my blog and I decided to share. Maybe somewhere, someday, someone will happen across it and be inspired or at minimum slightly entertained.

I got married a few years ago...and unfortunately divorced a couple of months ago. I'm still dealing with the some of the emotional pain of separation. My ex is originally from the Cayman Islands and she moved to Georgia a week before we got married. She didn't know anyone here and we sort of clung to each other. We didn't go out socially very often because as I said she didn't know anyone and all of my closest friends lived out of town.

When she got a social life and made friends she began going out with them to dinner and soon to clubs. At first I was very happy seeing her make friends, but then it got to be almost everyday she was going out doing something with these friends. We lost our quality and even during our qualities times it seems like she was just planning another outing with them.It seems as if things slowly went downhill. Eventually she met someone and she cheated.

It's about 5 1/2 months since I first found out for sure she was being unfaithful. It's been about about 1 1/2 months since the divorce. I was willing to work things out, but she wasn't willing to try in any meaningful way. She didn't want counseling, she didn't even call her family and friends and tell them that we had even split. Her mother had to find out from me. I guess maybe she was waiting for the right time or something, but you'd think after being seperated for 3 months her mother would know.

I've always thought of myself as being a mind addict. I've always been very interested in wanting to know what people think and how they operate. I've found it to be fascinating in the past. These days I am just looking inward trying to make sense of the past few months. I'm afraid to reach out and get to know anyone new. I don't trust my instincts anymore. I don't know if I'd be able to tell if someone is positive for me or not. I know this just comes with the territory of divorce, but it's a horrible feeling. I know I'm not perfect, I just wouldn't think after all she and I had been through our story would end this way...but it is what is. This had to happen to someone...why not me right?

What I learned through all of this is to not take it life and the love of someone for granted. To always be creative in finding ways to show your appreciation towards someone. Do not get married unless you are absolutely sure the person is the one and that you are finished with all things involving relationships if possible.

Despite the emotional turmoil I'm dealing with, I feel within myself I did right by her. She gained a lot from being with me and that's what being a good man is supposed to for a woman. She threw it all away, it hurts...but I will be alright. I know my value. She'll never find another me.

-Mr. Tolbert

So I'm about to be 31. This is the past year I've really felt the decade gap between myself and 20 year olds. You know the saying, you are only as old as you feel, but what about what you see. Lately, I've seen some young bucks wearing the haircuts I wore in the early 90's and the sunglasses are going back to the 80's. I feel like I'm in a time machine.

More than that, I find myself calling programing on MTV and BETjunk...just like my mother would do when I was watching Rap City or Yo MTV Raps. Has the programming dropped that much in quality or is it just that as much as I hate to admit I've gone and gotten "old". I suppose it's inevitable, you can't be young forever.

What sealed the deal for me was earlier today, when I was outside taking out the trash and these kids was throwing a volley ball back and forth outside. I spoke to them, and they waved. On my back from the trash dumpster, one kid hit my truck with the volley ball by mistake. He told me he was sorry and his mother who had been sitting out side watching, yelled at him telling him to say sorry sir and to respect his elders. ELDER? So I'm an elder now? I'm not really ready to be an elder, I just want to be a regular guy not an elder. I looked at the woman who looked to be maybe a year or two younger than me, to see if she was joking, but I could tell she wasn't. I suppose, a kid referring to me as sir is ok, it's good to teach the youth respect...but I don't think I'm ready to be an "elder".

I suppose I don't have a choice in the matter. Time doesn't wait kiddos, so live life to the fullest.

Since this will be the first topic discussed in my first ever blog it's only fitting that I begin with something that's baffling to me.

A few days ago I accompanied a female friend of mine to the mall. Big mistake, because I don't really like shopping, I'm a traditional guy. If I need shirt, enter store, find shirt, shirt fit, buy shirt, leave store...That's it. Not women though, they embark on a shopping pilgrimage dragging their helpless male companion up and down aisles of clothing. Asking for our opinions which they rarely take into consideration anyway. I was outside of a store taking a well deserved breather, when out of nowhere this extremely fine and edible looking young lady walked into the book store across from me.

Now I was blatantly checking her out hoping I'd catch her eye, but she never looked up at me. She left the book store walked past me, didn't acknowledge me at all. So I dismissed her from my mind. About four minutes later she again walks into my view right past me, not looking at me once. I'm not a small guy and at 6'5 I'm anything but invisible, but I did not receive a glance from her. After my friend finished shopping we head to another store she wanted to go too. On the way there, I see that we are approaching Miss Edible again. This time how ever it is different, she is looking right into my eyes as we approach her. She is staring not letting her eyes leave mine at all. My friend even noticed it and commented on it asking me if I knew her. When we passed her my friend turned around and said the girl had turned back still looking at me.

This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I can't figure out for the life of me why I get more attention and looks from women when I'm out with female than I get when I'm just solo. I'm the exact same guy she passed a dozen times before without acknowledging my existence. Why when she saw me walking with a woman did she stare at me like I was the doorman at the pearly gates? I know I can't be the only guy that has experienced this. So ladies speak up let me know why you do this. Guys let me know what you think too. Give me theories, I want to know.